Sorry
Tuesday, 25 October 2011 | 9:59 pm | 0 hearts♥
What’s wrong with me?
Started feeling moody when meeting was over, not sure why too but nothing to do with anyone or anything just that feeling is back. Was on the phone while strolling in the drizzle asking if mum wanted to eat or I should just head home, she asked me about money stuff and I think she tried to crack a joke or something that made me spark off slightly. Everyone seems to disagree at the idea of me going oversea to get university degree especially with financial problem. Mum was on the phone with aunt and always asked about is there a need to go etc…all ways like hinting me to say forget it and just cancel the whole thing. I tried not to look it that way but as time draw nearer all seems heavier, initially I thought about my GPA falling out of 3 and that would confirm me not to worry about financial problem since i won’t even be in the pathway. Dad was like procrastinating perhaps thinking I would never make my way to it, again I don’t want to make any judgment but with latest result I actually got into roll of honours mum showed him the slip and he was like nothing much suddenly I felt that urge, prickles in my heart.
During my holidays oversea I saw how other family would be able to stay together all day fine without argument nor fight and realize the discrepancy that my parents was unable to do it and thought perhaps that was the point they needed to improve or guidance for them to improve the condition. From then on my mind was always thinking about how other family, relatives, friends family, strangers was able to get in peace while why can’t mine be like theirs. Last week I finally understood after a fight between them that problem does not lies with their character but rather the very fact that I was no more than just a adopted daughter, non-blood related. I had never thought this way neither did anyone affect me anything but based on what happen in the house over the past few years nor as each year grew, it became more obvious. Typical old people would say I should be grateful that he willingly to bring me up unlike those drama like evil step father etc, oh please I hate that what has it got to do with that. When they remarried with that piece of paper, with his name on my birth cert all this are his liability alright, nothing to do with having to be grateful it’s not like I’m not going to provide for him when he get old.
Sis is getting older without that courtesy nor manners in mind and when we tried to correct her, dad just explode off and sparks of the war between mum and dad end up I’m always the one feeling so damn hurt and no one could understand it. It’s like what the… can’t sister just be more sensible, adult be more tolerating, when they fight, sister always act like nothing happen or doesn’t bother not even her fault, adult manage to get things off their chest whereas mine just trying to squeeze inside that little bottle label fragile. I had to keep hold of myself as not to affect mum making her think that’s it’s all her fault. It’s not like once or twice fight that me being teenage cannot stand them but from my memory when I was in primary school things like this even worse happen on and off till secondary it turn out so frequent that at time I exploded felt as if I’m going nuts, cannot survive through this.
I have no idea how I went through all these still willing to stay at home obediently and not running out to spend time with friends rather. Last week they fight on Friday night while I was trying to do a proper RJ, with that sudden outburst it disrupted me and started crying as form of venting and went out on Saturday to join birthday party which I didn’t confirm to go till that fight makes me want to run away and I did finally caught a breather of things at least. But at the party was dramatic, much more unexpected of things happening.
Feeling stings of pain.