Something is triggering me underneath of all. There has been multiple of little triggers pulled off from time to time making me thinking about the time in secondary school days unknowingly. I really miss them so much and do fee like doing things that bring me back.

- Spending time together with friends outside till sun set, tiring myself but feeling time was well spent
- Going youth service with joy and gladness having accompany with me instead of one person at the corner somewhere trying hard not to be noticeable
- Chatting/SMS with friend late at night when sleep was not important any more

 One by one, little by little, they start popping up and soon it makes them all so valuable to me. There are a lot of things that I never got to have them nor understand them in the past perhaps I was different, slower than my friends to have the teenage emo thing. Right now, when it's all over after so long I finally got it.

Dear skinny hairy emotional lady,
I don't know or even think you would read my blog but I finally understood your emotional phases back in secondary school days when you suddenly get so sad, or even start crying. You always tell me about your emotional being like last night all of a sudden you saw a roach and got frighten up and no idea why later on you just kept crying your heart out. To me, it all seems ridiculous but I only manage to got it after years and only recently when out of the sudden I felt the same way too.

To: Lovely cell leader,
I was new to the cell and always quiet but staying near to you whenever we had cell. You tried your best to build a relationship and get me talking, involve but I was cold, having no idea what I could say or talk to all of you. When you left the cell, I felt the importance of your presence but it was all too late and I started backing out. Now I yearn so much to talk or for you to start, Hey it's you xinyi thing but it never happen despite I was in front of you a couple of times. I am envy and hope to be part of the big family, well I tried the last time but I still felt some people doesn't seem to like my presence end up I still ran.

My HappyApple,
I felt at ease and comfort with you around me without having to fear nor worry, you are always bright and shine, helpful and trustworthy. Once when our class were doing the great wall, out of all hands out, yours was the first I reach out without much processing. Even when we went to Malaysia for school trip, when you lend out your hand it seems to give people confidence in you.

Weird one,
I do not know how to phrase the thing between us, it seems weird and complicated to me but it's funny. Well, I have no idea how to put in words but yes I miss those times too.

All these and more to come I know, I miss them so much and I feel like going back to Christ Church and walk around the school to find back those feeling despite most of them was not as good as I wanted it to be.

it's kind of the first time to me being daring enough and putting them out for all to see. well, I'm self conscious perhaps there will not be next time :)



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